A Musical Joke (or two...)

There is a story about a maestro who got so angry at a 2nd violinist he stabbed him with his baton. He was convicted of murder and sentenced to be electrocuted.

On the appointed day he was taken to the chair and strapped in. For his last request he asked for a banana. After he ate it, they threw the switch and nothing happened. They took him away while they checked the equipment, and said they would try again tomorrow. The next day, same thing: eat banana, throw switch, nothing happens, check equipment.

The 3rd day when he requested the banana the warden refused. They threw the switch, and again nothing happened. The warden was distraught, and the maestro started to laugh. "What's so funny" asked the warden. "You'll never electrocute me" said the maestro defiantly. "And why not" the warden asked. And the reply came, "Because I am a bad conductor"!

And then there was the story about the musician who died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates, to take him on his tour of heaven. The musician asked if there was an orchestra in heaven. St. Peter replied "Yes we have the most wonderful orchestra, and there is a seat reserved for you. They will be rehearsing in a few minutes, we can go there right now." When they arrived the musician was overwhelmed, all the greats were there warming up. Pagannini was the concertmaster, Casals was the principal cello, Lizst was preparing to rehearse one of his concertos, and on and on it went. Then there was a hush as the maestro emerged. The musician was surprised that he didn't recognise him. He was expecting one of the greats to be conducting, and instead it was an old man with a grey beard. "Who is our conductor", he asked St. Peter. And Peter replyed, "Oh, that's God, He thinks he's Von Karajan"

GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS

ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes

AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle

BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.

CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't

CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"

CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes

CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs

CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa

CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or

CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster

CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.

DUCTIA: A lot of mallards

EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn

ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec

GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums

HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett

INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: A long time Minor Interval: A few bars Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again

INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages

ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half

MINNESINGER: A boy soprano

MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking

NEUMS: Renaissance midgets

NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets

ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"

PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education

ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts

TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge

LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns

SANCTA: Clausula's husband

LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale

DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys

LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows

VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai

CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister

MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded

ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one

PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire

DUCTIA: Vire's organum

MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line

BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short

TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all

TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early

LONGA: The time between visits with Vire

PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai

CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used

DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet

RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet

SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet

ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town

ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper

HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum

QUAVER: Beginning viol class

RACKETT: Capped reeds class

RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi

SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church

SUPERTONIC: Schweppes

TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece

TROPE: A malevolent Neum

TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts

STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ

AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer

METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city

ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer

RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had

ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras

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Percussive Humor

Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?

Me either.

Q:Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?

A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

An amateur drummer dies and goes to heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds, "No, that's G-d. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."

Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?

A: You put a sheet of music in front of him

Q #2: How can you make that drummer stop?

A: Put notes on the sheet of music

Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?

A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.

A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant: "excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings."

The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?"

"I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings."

The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says "you're a drummer aren't you?"

"Yeah! How did you know man?"

"This is a fish and chip shop."

Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!

Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.

The classic one:

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A: A drummer.

Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

A: He doesn't know when to come in.

Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer??"

"Beats me!"

Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?

A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them.

He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."

SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."

SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."

SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."

SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling.

Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.

"So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"

a variation on the last one

Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on."

The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.

"Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.

"Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?"

"About 60."

"What kind of sticks do you use?"

Q: What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?

A: Drool.

Q: How can you tell when the stage riser is level?

A: The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?

A: "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

Q: What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?

A: "Would you like fries with that?"

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African Music Machine

AFRICAN MUSIC MACHINE allows you to program and play a colorful African drum and idiophone ensemble. Learn about African traditional music as you select and cross different rhythms and instruments.

Start and stop playing by hitting the space bar. There are various settings for the different instruments - like tempo, beat and patterns - and they are explained in detail in the Readme documentation. Go over it to understand what you are doing, or simply experiment with the settings and press the space bar to hear the result. The names of the instruments flash as they play.

The idiophones - clap, cowbell, casaba (shaker) and agogo (metal leaf) - all have a test button. Press it to hear their sound. The Sansa (also called a kalimba or likembe) is made from flattened nails or saw blades and played with the thumbs. Click to turn it on or off. Do the same for the xylophone (marimba).

There are 4 drums - conga, hi drum, foot drum and lo drum. Click the colored buttons to sound each instrument, and experiment with their settings as for the idiophones.

Save your best ensemble settings to memory and recall them, using the Program memory settings. If you want the Machine to play continuously in a random fashon, click 'constant random play' and get a sampling of different ensemble sounds. This is an interesting way to make a recording for background music