Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?

Gifted

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.

2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.

3. The grip.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?

The exhaust.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones

Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumors from the extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all their waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary children, although they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the world's greatest reed. Oboists can't drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They all wear berets and have special eating requirements which are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them seem somewhat special.

English horn players are losers although they dress better then oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.

Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but they come on so sweet that it's really hard to catch them at their game. Here's an instrument that's better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon only plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs -- their only real concern -- they act up a storm doing their very best to look busy.

It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play contrabassoon. They are available at pawnshops in large numbers -- the instruments as well as the players -- and play the same three or four numbers as the tuba, although not quite as loud or beautiful.

Okay, now we come to the flute. Oversexed and undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along with the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won't stop them from sleeping with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference. The bass flute is not even worth mentioning. Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience can maintain a safe distance.

The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports card. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don't need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys -- nobody knows why. Don't ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal..

The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports card. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don't need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys -- nobody knows why. Don't ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1.Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
2.The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3.The grip.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."

He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels

Ritard -- There's one in every family

Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor -- A girlfriend

Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"

Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you

Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but

Bass -- The things you run around in softball

Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see

Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Tempo -- Good choice for a used car

A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville

Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses

Cut Time-- Parole

Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar

Passing Tone-- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

High C-- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

Clef -- What you try never to fall off of

Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off

Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"

Minor Third-- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad

12-Tone Scale --The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul

Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone

Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives

Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

First Inversion --Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"

Aeolian Mode-- How you like Mama's cherry pie

Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses